Mama Guilt is a Wicked Thing....

I have written several times (both here and on other blogs) about my transition from being a corporate ladder climber to being a SAHM (and don't forget small business owner). As I have said, I struggle with an on-going identity crisis much of the time. Regardless of how I am feeling about my life's work on any given day, I always, always, always am conscious of how my children perceive me. Little Man B is still too little to think of mama as anything other than his caretaker....thank goodness....

Miss R, on the other hand, is perceptive beyond her years and I often find myself answering questions I thought I had a good 5-10 years to conjure up some clever answers to. As it turns out, no such luck.

My little girl goes to pre-school 2 days per week for 6 hours each day. She is a terribly social creature, so the social stimulation is critical for her and it turns out she has learned a thing to two in class also. She loves it....almost as much as I love a little break from 2 toddlers a few times a week....Hey, I am nothing if not honest right?

As far as she knows, all the other kiddos in school have mamas or papas at home too. She doesn't realize that many of her classmates have two hard working parents that drop their children off at school and then go on to work a full day at a "real" job. This thought came cross her mind one day on the way home from school when she was telling me in her matter-of-fact way, that there are some kids at her school that get to do EVERY art project at school...even the ones on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This thought upset her....she was totally jealous of them.

I tried to delicately explain to her that many of her classmates go "school" every day because there is not a parent that is at home to care for them during the day....and that this was OK. In fact, this is how it was the first 2 years of her life too. She mulled this over, and then said something that made my stomach drop.

"But mama, Mommies are not supposed to go to work....only Daddies."

Gulp, ugh, boo hiss.

Not the idea that I want my three year old daughter to have in her mind. I want her to know that she has the world at her fingertips. Not only can she be a mama some day, but she can be a scientist, a marketing guru, an accountant, a teacher, an astronaut....or ANYTHING she can dream up in her beautiful mind. The LAST think I want her to think is that "mommies are not supposed to go to work."

This killed me and I tried to explain my personal decision as best I could...tough to do with a 3 year old....with her 17 month old brother babbling incessantly next to her. I also made a mental note, to talk about this with her often as she grows.

Mama guilt is a wicked thing....for the first 2 years of her life, I felt terribly guilty for going to work every day and missing out on so many of the little things that make mamahood so rewarding.

Now, I have a new layer of guilt hanging over my head...Will my life decision to be home with my kiddos shape the way my daughter (and possibly my son) views her gender role? Will she grow up thinking that that is the way "it is supposed to be"?

I can only promise her, and myself, that I will show her the value and uniqueness in every life decision. There is no one way that is right....only the way that is right for you. And baby girl, I promise to help you explore every horizon (as much as I can anyway....) until you find that path that calls to your soul...no matter what path that may be.