Identity Crisis Anyone?

For years before having my kiddos, my hands were sore....not from manual labor or anything, but from climbing. No, not from climbing the face of rugged mountains using only an ice pick and a piece of twine....although that would be a cool story wouldn't it? Nope, these mitts were sore from grasping the rungs of the proverbial corporate ladder. Rung by rung, I pulled my way up and was not planning on descending anytime soon.

Funny how having an 8-ish pound human being placed in your arms can change your tune.

I had been dead set on the idea that I would be the one mama in the history of the world that would not have the internal struggle of finding balance. It would be a piece of cake. I would come home from my cushy, well-compensated,  desk job and simply enjoy the company of my hubs and cherub of a newborn....and maybe a glass of wine. OK, most likely with a glass of wine....or two....usually only one. Don't judge.

After my oldest, sweet R, was born, I went back to work 32 hours per week. All was good....pretty much never the scene I described above, but good for sure. When news of the pending arrival of Baby B came, I figured all would stay the same. Then I crunched the numbers...the daycare numbers that is. Boo hiss....

For the next 9+ months, several of which I was already on maternity leave with Baby B, I waged a civil war with my pride. I was supposed to be a young, ladder climbing, future executive....but logic said that maybe I should trade in my Blackberry and company credit card for some cute yoga pants and a new set of crayolas....to entertain my 2 year old of course....not to replace the Blackberry....although crayons are WAY more fun most of the time.

In the end, logic beat out pride and here I am....a (mostly) SAHM to two beautiful kiddos. A total 180 from where I thought I was headed 4 years ago. And guess what...I LOVE my yoga pants and crayolas. And I think....I hope....that my littles love that I am here to share the big events of their days as well. You know, when B couldn't be more proud of himself because he completely "reorganized" the Tupperware...again. Or when R is bursting with pride because she managed to pull her princess costume on over her jeans and pink puffy coat and she "didn't even rip it." Those moments beat long drawn-out conference calls and "can-you -create-yet-another-report" any day.

That all being said, I would be completely LYING if I said there weren't days that I feel like maybe being a SAHM just isn't enough (heck, that is why At First Bite was born). There are moments and social situations, where I have to swallow my pride when I say "I stay home with my kids." Maybe it's just the way I am wired. Maybe it is a perceived social stigma. Not sure....probably will never quite figure it out. I am officially a mama on an identity crisis roller coaster. It's a ride I feel guilty for being on sometime....but what can I say. I'm human. And isn't "Mama-Guilt" like a real diagnosis these days anyway? See, I am just trendy....in my yoga pants.

The bottom line, I am so incredibly THANKFUL that I even have the opportunity to have this internal struggle. I am fortunate to have the choice that I have. Please don't mistake my ramblings above for complaining....that is certainly not the intention. My intent is only to put a voice to a struggle I am sure that others share with me....

Being a parent is defined by trying to strike a balance between doing what is best for your children and doing what allows you to keep your sanity just long enough to be the best parent you can possibly be. Pretty sure that balance, is a moving target. Keep aiming my friends.