One of the open tabs....

Those of you who read my posts with any regularity know that (one of) the 2000+ tabs that is currently open in my mind is the looming question of  "Do we have a third baby or stick with the two pretty much perfect kidlets that we already have?" And when I say "open tab", I am severely understating the situation here...as in, pretty much any time I am not tending to one of the many needs of Sweet R or Little Dude B, this is the first place my mind tends to wander (also know as, "Obsess much mama?") And chances are if you asked me where I currently stand 37 times each day, the answer would change no less than 36 different times.

Why is it that this "next step" is so much more difficult of a decision to make than it was going from 1 to 2?  Seriously, that decision was akin to "Hey babe, we ran out of toilet paper. Should we go to Costco and get some more or just skip it?" Why yes, yes we should, dear. And we were off to the races. No muss, no fuss.

And for the hubs and I, the whole "if it is meant to be it will be" thought process is not an option. For two reasons....the first being 3 simple letters: "O.C.D." No plan, means no smiles from mama. This mama is not a fan of surprises....I know, I'm no fun. The second being with our first sessions of TTC, my husband pretty much sneezed in my general direction and my uterus snapped to attention. I mean no disrespect to those who have struggled with fertility....I can only imagine the heartache that comes with it, but our history (thankfully) has given us no grey area in that whole family-planning arena.I don't anticipate it would this time either so "wait and see" pretty much means, get the nursery ready.

Thus, we return to the soul-searching. Let me be the first to admit, soul-searching sucks. Like, with Dyson level suction. Some people say you will just "know"....that must be dreamy. This morning around 9:30am, I "knew". Now....not so much. Sometime during the bath routine tonight, I anticipate I will "know" again. Only to be thrown for yet another loop tonight when I sneak in and kiss their soft cheeks before I go to bed. Followed by much Googling of such rediculous topics as "Should I have another kid?" or "Is it better to have 2 kids or 3?" (Insert eye roll here....it's OK, I would roll my eyes at me as well)

I am one of two and so is my husband. Truthfully that is all we know.  So I have no idea where this idea of more popped into my head. At one point in my life I said I would have as many kiddos as it took to get at least one of each gender (check that one off the list...). At one point that changed to wanting 3. Some days I am sure that I want to be fully responsible for yet another human being for at least 18 years. And some days, I just want to smother the two I already have with so much love, resources and one-on-one time that I cannot imagine them having to share me with anyone else. And don't even get me started on when I start weighing out the, *gasp*, logistical/financial factors of adding another tiny human to the mix. But oh, that perfect baby snuggle and warm, sweet baby breath...swoon....

Alas, the soul search shall continue...

In the meantime, I have to go wake up my beautiful lovelies from their afternoon naps....because when this mama's soul gets to searching, the only thing that breaks the spell are the sweet faces of the two best things that already happened to me. THAT my friends, I know for sure.