In the "mommy wars", can I be Switzerland?

I tell ya, we women are tough to please...and if I may go so far, I will say that the majority of us are some judgemental "you-know-whats" when it comes to how we view other women. Oh come on, you know it's true....from those awkward tween years, to the spiteful full-blown-teen ones to the grand-daddy of judgmental times....Parenthood.

As much as I like to say that I am a VERY tolerant and accepting person who tries to see the good in everyone, there are moments when I admit it....I think I am doing something better than someone else...or everyone else.  We all do it...come on....admit it. I know, it makes me feel dirty too...but its the truth. It is something that is just embedded in us. Whether it is discipline styles, medical care choices, or extracurricular activities, our choices as parents are unending and 110% personal. And often, we don't agree with the choices our best friends, sisters, or the random other mom at the grocery store, make. And while most of us will never say boo about it or make these thoughts known, our minds are often swirling with them. And so, we stew about it...I stew quite well.

One of the most highly inflammatory debates among parents is: Should both parents work? Or is it best for one to be home with the kiddos? (I can hear the blood boiling across the screen already) Also known as...."The Mommy Wars"

Let me begin by saying that I have been on BOTH sides of this argument and truthfully, it is an argument that I continue to fight with myself and drive my husband crazy with on a DAILY basis (OK, maybe I try to contain the husband part to once a week or so....). I have worked crazy corporate hours and come home to spend a whole 20 minutes with my kids before they go to bed. And I have spent long days at home with an infant and a toddler,  pulling my hair out and longing for interaction with adults that doesn't involve conversation about milestones, sleeping patterns, or diaper contents. Both have moments that suck. And both have moments of sheer perfection.

I have had the joy that comes along with walking in the door after a long day at the office and having my toddler wrap herself around my legs and excitedly tell me all about her day and how much she loves me. I have had feeling of pride that comes of taking my little girl into my office and showing her what I do all day and seeing her eyes light up with the possibilities that come along with what we may consider mundane office tasks. I can see her dreaming of her future and all the possibilities that it holds. I have had the satisfaction of contributing financially to their future. And I have learned to appreciate each and every minute that I have with my kiddos because when you only have about 20 of them after work, you learn to make the most of each tick of the clock.

On the other hand, being home with my kiddos, I have had the satisfaction of being the hero to kiss the boo-boos that come with toddler life (it's rough you know...) and make it "all better". I am the one that gets to answer the ongoing lists of questions that they ask....and make sure that I am continuing to challenge them to ask even more.  I have had the chance to show my kids that you can turn something that you are passionate about into a business venture. And I have had the chance to slow down time just a little bit....because let's face it, days can be long at home...but we all know that they are only little for a very short time.

Argh....just writing this has induced anxiety for me once again. Which choice is the "right" one? Which one ensures that I am doing the most good for my family? What is right "right now" may not be what is right for our family in 5 years. Not to mention the fact that what is best for ME right now may not be what is best for ME down the road...can't forget to take care of mama (or papa).

What makes a parent a "good parent" is the love that they share with their kiddos....not the number of minutes they see them each day, but what they DO with the moments they have. A good parent loves, shapes, and guides their children in a way that ensures they turn out to be the best possible version of themselves that they can be.  A good parent DOESN'T belittle others in front of their children or openly judge other parents for the choices they make. A good parent not only teaches, but listens. Last time I checked, a parent could do any and all of these things regardless of employment status.

The bottom line, in the Mommy Wars, I choose to be Switzerland. I choose no side...because quite frankly, I could go either way. Call me a coward, call me a weeble wobbler, but I fully straddle the imaginary line that exists between working parents and SAHM/Ds and depending on the day (or the hour) I can tip one way or the other. Maybe it just depends which hip I am holding the heavier kiddo on....

Mama Guilt is a Wicked Thing....

I have written several times (both here and on other blogs) about my transition from being a corporate ladder climber to being a SAHM (and don't forget small business owner). As I have said, I struggle with an on-going identity crisis much of the time. Regardless of how I am feeling about my life's work on any given day, I always, always, always am conscious of how my children perceive me. Little Man B is still too little to think of mama as anything other than his caretaker....thank goodness....

Miss R, on the other hand, is perceptive beyond her years and I often find myself answering questions I thought I had a good 5-10 years to conjure up some clever answers to. As it turns out, no such luck.

My little girl goes to pre-school 2 days per week for 6 hours each day. She is a terribly social creature, so the social stimulation is critical for her and it turns out she has learned a thing to two in class also. She loves it....almost as much as I love a little break from 2 toddlers a few times a week....Hey, I am nothing if not honest right?

As far as she knows, all the other kiddos in school have mamas or papas at home too. She doesn't realize that many of her classmates have two hard working parents that drop their children off at school and then go on to work a full day at a "real" job. This thought came cross her mind one day on the way home from school when she was telling me in her matter-of-fact way, that there are some kids at her school that get to do EVERY art project at school...even the ones on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This thought upset her....she was totally jealous of them.

I tried to delicately explain to her that many of her classmates go "school" every day because there is not a parent that is at home to care for them during the day....and that this was OK. In fact, this is how it was the first 2 years of her life too. She mulled this over, and then said something that made my stomach drop.

"But mama, Mommies are not supposed to go to work....only Daddies."

Gulp, ugh, boo hiss.

Not the idea that I want my three year old daughter to have in her mind. I want her to know that she has the world at her fingertips. Not only can she be a mama some day, but she can be a scientist, a marketing guru, an accountant, a teacher, an astronaut....or ANYTHING she can dream up in her beautiful mind. The LAST think I want her to think is that "mommies are not supposed to go to work."

This killed me and I tried to explain my personal decision as best I could...tough to do with a 3 year old....with her 17 month old brother babbling incessantly next to her. I also made a mental note, to talk about this with her often as she grows.

Mama guilt is a wicked thing....for the first 2 years of her life, I felt terribly guilty for going to work every day and missing out on so many of the little things that make mamahood so rewarding.

Now, I have a new layer of guilt hanging over my head...Will my life decision to be home with my kiddos shape the way my daughter (and possibly my son) views her gender role? Will she grow up thinking that that is the way "it is supposed to be"?

I can only promise her, and myself, that I will show her the value and uniqueness in every life decision. There is no one way that is right....only the way that is right for you. And baby girl, I promise to help you explore every horizon (as much as I can anyway....) until you find that path that calls to your soul...no matter what path that may be.

Identity Crisis Anyone?

For years before having my kiddos, my hands were sore....not from manual labor or anything, but from climbing. No, not from climbing the face of rugged mountains using only an ice pick and a piece of twine....although that would be a cool story wouldn't it? Nope, these mitts were sore from grasping the rungs of the proverbial corporate ladder. Rung by rung, I pulled my way up and was not planning on descending anytime soon.

Funny how having an 8-ish pound human being placed in your arms can change your tune.

I had been dead set on the idea that I would be the one mama in the history of the world that would not have the internal struggle of finding balance. It would be a piece of cake. I would come home from my cushy, well-compensated,  desk job and simply enjoy the company of my hubs and cherub of a newborn....and maybe a glass of wine. OK, most likely with a glass of wine....or two....usually only one. Don't judge.

After my oldest, sweet R, was born, I went back to work 32 hours per week. All was good....pretty much never the scene I described above, but good for sure. When news of the pending arrival of Baby B came, I figured all would stay the same. Then I crunched the numbers...the daycare numbers that is. Boo hiss....

For the next 9+ months, several of which I was already on maternity leave with Baby B, I waged a civil war with my pride. I was supposed to be a young, ladder climbing, future executive....but logic said that maybe I should trade in my Blackberry and company credit card for some cute yoga pants and a new set of crayolas....to entertain my 2 year old of course....not to replace the Blackberry....although crayons are WAY more fun most of the time.

In the end, logic beat out pride and here I am....a (mostly) SAHM to two beautiful kiddos. A total 180 from where I thought I was headed 4 years ago. And guess what...I LOVE my yoga pants and crayolas. And I think....I hope....that my littles love that I am here to share the big events of their days as well. You know, when B couldn't be more proud of himself because he completely "reorganized" the Tupperware...again. Or when R is bursting with pride because she managed to pull her princess costume on over her jeans and pink puffy coat and she "didn't even rip it." Those moments beat long drawn-out conference calls and "can-you -create-yet-another-report" any day.

That all being said, I would be completely LYING if I said there weren't days that I feel like maybe being a SAHM just isn't enough (heck, that is why At First Bite was born). There are moments and social situations, where I have to swallow my pride when I say "I stay home with my kids." Maybe it's just the way I am wired. Maybe it is a perceived social stigma. Not sure....probably will never quite figure it out. I am officially a mama on an identity crisis roller coaster. It's a ride I feel guilty for being on sometime....but what can I say. I'm human. And isn't "Mama-Guilt" like a real diagnosis these days anyway? See, I am just trendy....in my yoga pants.

The bottom line, I am so incredibly THANKFUL that I even have the opportunity to have this internal struggle. I am fortunate to have the choice that I have. Please don't mistake my ramblings above for complaining....that is certainly not the intention. My intent is only to put a voice to a struggle I am sure that others share with me....

Being a parent is defined by trying to strike a balance between doing what is best for your children and doing what allows you to keep your sanity just long enough to be the best parent you can possibly be. Pretty sure that balance, is a moving target. Keep aiming my friends.